Sunday, September 14, 2014

On the Lighter Side . . .




(A Humorous Addendum to Alma Merit: Meritocracy and Universities)



by Dr. Ellen Brandt


I knew our just-out story, Alma Merit: Meritocracy and Universities, would ruffle a few feathers among those with a stake in preserving the (unfortunate) status quo and preventing top-tier universities from returning to their (recently abandoned) Meritocratic core values. But I may have underestimated the reaction.

Within hours of publishing the story, I may or may not have received the following letters, which I now share with readers for their edification and amusement:


***** Dear Ellen Brandt: Yes, we Libertarians have criticized so-called top-tier schools for failing to succeed in their only real purpose - producing Do-ers, who can Do what they Do to everyone in sight. Our Do-ers need to Do what they Do, because if they didn't Do it to us, who would? Yours sincerely, Jon E. Tremain


***** Ms. or Mr. Brandt: How typical! Pretending there are Ivy Leaguers struggling financially, when everyone knows that immediately upon your graduations, every last one of you people is given several million dollars, a McMansion in the suburbs, and lifetime membership in the Dark Pool of Capital Cabana and Swim Club. You're all puppetmasters, marionette-masters, karate-masters, chess grandmasters, and masters of the solar system, galaxy, and universe, including Brooklyn. I have your number - Yes, literally, I have your number,  because I am a very good hacker, and you better watch out. Anonymous, Anonymous Pro-Progressive Proselytizers (APPPs)


***** My dear Dr. Brandt! What a terrific article. We enjoyed it immensely here at the Dark Pool of Capital Cabana and Swim Club - so much so, we wish to offer you a complimentary lifetime membership to our main facility, 79 stories under lower Manhattan.

Please do attend our orientation meeting and group swim for new members next Thursday morning at 11 A.M. When you get to the anteroom - it will be pitch dark - take off all your clothes and anoint yourself with the sweet-smelling substance in the large amphora. (No, of course, it's not blood. And Yes, that is our club song playing in the background, but it is absolutely not the theme from Jaws.)  Beale Zebub, Esq., Club President


***** Hi, Ellen: I am delighted that you mentioned our important work at Meerkat Amalgamated Funds, Ltd., in your compelling story. You may be interested in hearing about our latest contributions to the world of higher education, which are outlined in the attached newsletter. We are now lead or senior donors to 378 projects at 299 universities, colleges, and technical schools, in 107 countries, plus Mercury and Saturn. And we expect nothing in return, other than occasional help with licenses, patents, key pieces of legislation, and a few minor wars and invasions, which you'll agree is only fair. Please let me take you out to dinner the next time you're in Luanda, Asuncion, or Thimphu. Best regards, Algernon Fitzalgernon, Founder and Chairman


***** Dr. Brandt: We don't know where you heard about it, since the project is still under wraps. But Yes, indeed! We at Capybara Consolidated Fund of Funds, Ltd., are about to donate private planets - well, technically planetoids - to all eight Ivy League schools, plus Stanford, M.I.T., the University of Chicago, and 18 top-ranked schools in Europe, Japan, and Singapore. It may be a few years before recipients, their faculty members, and key donors can enjoy these gifts, but we're sure they'll appreciate knowing that they are being reserved for their future enjoyment.

Perhaps if you write a follow-up to your original article, you will kindly mention us, rather than our friendly rival, Meerkat Amalgamated. And please let me take you out to dinner the next time you're in Casablanca, Port Moresby, or Iqaluit. All best wishes, Earnest Fitzearnest von Earnest, Chairman and Founder


***** Dear Ellen: As a former college teacher, I hope you did not mean to imply that being the holder of a professorship endowed by a financier, working in a department funded by a financier, in an office contributed by a financier, with furniture and books and computers and lighting fixtures provided by a financier would make one in any way dependent on such a financier, nor biased in any way, shape, or form towards the interests or agendas of such a financier.

Absolutely not!

Jack Blue-Green, Ph.D., Roberta and Robert Robinson-Roberts Professor of Interdisciplinary Disciplines, Department of Cloud Computing for Physical Therapists  


***** Ms. Brandt: How dare you?!!! Saving the Purple Millipede is clearly a top priority for the world right now, as we in Hollywood - and Bollywood - and even Dollywood - appreciate. The entire cast and crew of the upcoming blockbuster-to-be, Palladium Man 3: Return of the 12-Toed Zombies, will be donating one full percent of their salaries and/or percentage cuts towards this extraordinarily vital cause. And you coddled Ivy Leaguers should be doing the same. Bradd Mc-Z, producer, screenwriter, cinematographer, and auteur


***** Ellen, We were happy to be mentioned in your story and sent copies of it to our entire graduating class of 1983 - even the dropouts.

However, we have now decided to move up from the Urchin donor level to the more prestigious Geoduck donor level, where we understand we will have access to the private planetoid about to be donated to our school by Capybara Consolidated. In fact, we are already making plans to hold our 40th class reunion there.

In light of this change in our donor status, we have also legally changed our names. George and Greta Geoduck (formerly George and Greta Urchin)


***** Dr. Brandt: Thank you for mentioning our significant international project, co-funded by 17 firms at "Careful Funds Which Care to Care," providing better school lunch programs throughout the  island nation of Tuvalu. This is an important project to our particular firm, since we are now extremely active in the surrounding Tuvaluan Strategic Basin, although we are not yet at liberty to say what we are doing there. Suffice it to say, there are national security implications. Best wishes, Jane Crabbe-King, Dugong Amalgamated & Consolidated, Ltd., South Pacific Division


***** Hey, Brandt! We didn't read your story, but we saw the title and are not happy about it. Meritocracy is Elitist and Evil. Universities are Elitist and Evil. Professors and  researchers and administrators are Elitist and Evil. And students and alumni are Elitist and Evil. Plus, we hear you like Baby Boomers, which is even worse, because they're not just Elitist and Evil, they are TO BLAME. For absolutely everything.

We hate you. A lot. In fact, oodles. Joan E. Tremain  (Non-Anonymous Pro-Progressive And Libertarian Proselytizers, NAPPALP)



Oh, my! Well, I guess reactions like these go with the territory, if you are hoping to make things better.

Now that we've softened our readers up, by proving we can laugh at ourselves, please proceed to some serious - in fact, dead serious - suggestions about what top-tier universities need to do as the first steps towards protecting their most At-Risk Graduates and Alumni and showing that Meritocracy begins at home.

Please see:

And On the (Painfully) Thoughtful Side . . .